Friday Night – a new scene for me

I’ve been wanting to put this in my blog for a few days, but haven’t found quite the words or the way to do it. Every time I think about it, it’s all over the place.. but.. i’m going to try…

I’ve had scenes before.. they’ve been fun, intense, a little of both.. I’ve laughed.. cried.. gotten mad and couldn’t get into head space. So, I really thought that I had walked the road of play and pretty much experienced all the new stuff I could.. (yeah.. sounds stupid I know!)

One of the issues I always seem on having is letting go. To be able to stop worrying about who or what is around me.. how I look, what is happening now.. what’s coming next.. ect… I get so caught up in my own mind that I often miss out on what I’ve heard other people say that they experience. The part of play that lets them let go, be free.. take the ride.

So, Friday night a few of us get together for some family fun time. Daddy said that we were going to play and a dear friend asks if she could co top me. We’ve scened before and it went great, so of course Daddy said yes.

He decided to put me on the suspension bar, so that they could have full body access to me. That made me giggle a bit.. but, i’m working on showing my trust with him, so I just smiled and head over to the bar.

Daddy had me take off all my clothes, and then instructed me to take off my bra. My breath caught as I slowly start to unhook it. Another area of self insecurity I have.. but, I smile and trust.

He hooked me to the bar.. and I am so aware of the other people around me. Dear friends playing on equipment close to us.. others in different parts of the club.. the music which is being switched over to something with a stronger beat.. Daddy and our friend getting their toys ready.. talking softly…

My mind is racing..

Daddy approached me with a blind fold and smiled as he covered my eyes.

Relax

I start to listen to the music, slowly moving my legs to the beat.. when I start feeling soft things on my back. I smile.. loving how he starts our scenes.. enjoying the feeling of the fur on my skin.

After a few minutes, I start to feel soft on my front..

“Daddy is behind me.. Auntie is in front…” I think to myself

I frown a bit.. and try not stop analyzing what is going on..

After a few minutes, I feel something hard hitting my butt.. I giggle a bit as the change shocks me.. shake my butt a few times in fun .. and quickly start to move with the beat.. This is going great until the softness on my stomach starts again.. the harder swats on my but.

My brain is starting to get confused.. Hard.. ouch..soft..

Quickly I start to “loose” who is where.. and the mixed sensations occurring make it impossible to regain “mental” control..At first I get a bit scared, as I feel that I am really loosing control of being mentally aware of what was going on.. But, Daddy must sense this.. as he whispers in my ear.. and I relax.

Then something amazing happened.

I let go.

The room went away.. and it was just me like a boat on the water.. waves pushing me here and there, I’m just sitting, smiling and not caring where the boat goes.. because I know I’m safe.. and I know that it’s ok to let go.

I wasn’t worried about how I looked, who was watching, what everyone was doing.. I trusted them.. and I stopped thinking and starting feeling. Sensations came in droves, and I just let them. I didnt analyze why I was feeling them.. or who caused them.. or why I should be feeling this way or that way.. I just felt.

I moved with the impacts of the toys and hands, but not in a pre calculated way.. but in a natural way that my body did on its own.. instinctive.. primitive..

It was an amazing experience..

Somewhere along the way another friend joined the scene.. but, by this point I was so spaced I didnt even really acknowledge it..

Afterwards as Daddy and I cuddled on the couch.. I had to giggle. I felt so amazing.. my mind was very floating. but my body and soul felt “refreshed”.. alive. Daddy kissed my forehead and said I was amazing.. I smiled and cuddled close.. so happy.

Going home that night I passed out.. and slept better than I had in weeks.

The next day I gave a lot of thought to what happened. How for once, It felt so amazing to be so safe and trusting with the people around me that I could let go, let go of whatever control I had wanted to hold onto and just be in the moment..

I can’t wait for the next time….

Taking a step forward..

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the sexual submissive conversation Daddy and I had a while back. He hasn’t brought it up since then, which has given me a lot of time to think about it.. what it means to him and me.

The basic question I ended up having to ask myself is “do I trust him?”

The answer.. a very simple . “yes.”

I thought about what that “title” means.. and to me, it means being available to him whenever he needs/wants me. But,the more I thought about it, and it really means to me more than that.. more than  just a sexual availability.. it means to me being there for him in all areas, to be there for pleasure, basic needs, wants..to talk.. to share.. to listen..just to be there.

The word “pleasure submissive” floated in my thoughts. The concept of that makes me smile.  I love knowing that I am there to bring him pleasure. Perhaps it’s just a simple back rub, or small kisses during the commercial.. making sure his favorite drink is in the house, being ready when he wants to make love.  To be there in all areas.

So, the other night I asked Daddy if we could talk. I brought up my thoughts to him.. sharing my fears, my excitement, my new “title” for what I saw me being for him.

We had an amazing talk.. he shared his feelings and I found that we haven’t been that far off to begin with.

So.. here we go.  I don’t know where this new  journey will lead us. But, I do know that we are going to walk it together.. that I trust him ..and that for the first time since we’ve talked about this.. I am really excited.

<3

End of the School Year Party!!!

We are home.. I am a bit tired, it has been quite an emotional month.. But, trying to pull some energy together for what will be a great night tonight…

Over two years Daddy and I started a local and online group for those interested in the Big/little dynamic and those that are in a nurturing D/s relationships.. regardless of their “title”. It’s called A little Kinky in Florida.. (FL name the same).  We meet monthly for meetings, discussions. outings and fun.

To add to it, we started an End of the School Year Party a few years ago, to have a fun “themed” night.. school girls and boy(i’s) running around the club.. “faculty” making sure everyone is ‘behaving”… just a lot of fun. It gives everyone another change to dress up, and role play.. as well as just being silly and letting your bratty side out for a while.

Well, tonight is our party at the club, and I am pretty excited.  I’m hoping it will recharge me to get around some positive energy..have some time with Daddy and reconnect a bit.

I’m currently trying to figure out what to wear. I have it narrowed down to 1. Naughty  Girl Scout… 2. Punk Rocker School girl.. 3. Sexy School Girl..

Any thoughts on which I should wear??

The Box – Part 2

Looking out the window.. waiting to see his truck pull in the drive way. Snuggled on the couch, flipping through channels of junk that I really don’t care about.

Flip…look…flip…look

Finally, after what seems like hours.. I hear the all too familiar sounds of his truck.. pulling in the drive way.. turning off.. the slam of the door…

My breath gets quicker as I hear his steps up the porch.. his hand on the door knob..

I look up and smile.

He calls me over.. wrapping me in his arms.. Breathing in deeply as he smells my scent, and light kisses on my neck.

“Hello my love” he breathes in my ear…“Are you prepared for tonight?”

I nod.. holding him tighter..my fingers lightly playing with the back of his hair.

He pauses a moment.. and playfully slaps my behind.. “good.. then what’s for dinner?”

I laugh as the moment leaves.. walking towards the kitchen to get our plates ready.. wondering how fast I can eat to make tonight come quicker.

…As I do the dinner dishes, goose bumps start to grow on my body.. the thoughts of what is to come float in and out of my mind.. I tingle with excitement..

Walking towards the bedroom…I look up and see him in his swim shorts.

“I thought a dip in the hot tub would be nice..what do you think?” he says to me, with just a bit of teasing intermixed in his words..

I try to smile.. Hot tub?  I just want to get in bed and have fun..

But, knowing that he has this night planned out, I smile and head to change into my suit.

A few minutes later we are soaking in the tub. The jets soothing my skin.. feeling so good. Maybe he was right, as this is really relaxing..

I lean my head back and close my eyes.. letting the water take me away.  His hands begin to caress my legs.. feeling them massaging them..I moan slightly, enjoying the sensations that are filling me.

He leans forward.. my hands find his chest.. playing and caressing.

Soft kisses on my neck, my shoulder, my fingers. I open my eyes and look deeply into his. We smile together as his lips lean down and meet mine. Wrapping my legs around him.. pulling him in closer to me..wanting him so deeply… needing him even more.

He pulls up just a bit, so our eyes meet again. “Shall we go in now?” He says softly yet firmly..

All I can do is nod…

The box – part 1

In the corner of our room is a small book shelf. On it contains books of varying degrees.. some classical vanilla, some life style.. some easy reading and some hard core.  One of my small stuffed animals makes it home there as well.

There is also the box.

It sits there, very innocently. Anyone walking in the room to get a book or glance it’s way would barely even notice it. Perhaps its just a trinket from a childhood vanity, or a find from a yard sale hunt.

Either way.. it sits there and waits. Only two knowing it’s real purpose.

On most days I barely remember it. Occasionally my eyes my glance over it as I make my way through the morning routine. But, no.. its a box on most days. A simple box.

But.. on the occasions that my Sir wants to have a bit of sadistic or sensual fun.. it becomes more than a box.

I know when the change happens because of the small note left on top of it. The white paper is stark contrast to the dark wooden box. The sudden change of color making it’s presence known..

I am here for you. Are you ready?

As I make my way today, I glance over to it. A small smile creeps across my face as I see the all too familiar white piece of paper on top of the box.

I slowly walk over to it. A sense of excitement run through my veins. My breathing gets a bit faster as I reach down to pick up it up. My fingers move quickly.. as the words appear.

Make yourself ready today for me. In the box are my wishes for tonight. Have a wonderful day.

I slowly pick up the box and open it. Inside sit a blindfold, a small plug, a bottle of lube, and purple rope.

My breath catches me as the reality of the box hits me.. I know that he only puts some of his toys in here.. just enough to give me a hint of what plans he has for me.

I put the box back and smile.. Anticipation rushes through me as I leave the room to start my day…

The blank page

So.. here we go again starting over.

The blank page stares back at me.. waiting.. wondering..

I feel the same way.

Looking back over the past few weeks it’s been crazy…Deaths I have had to deal with.. dealing with family issues and balancing these needs with my own.

Last weekend Daddy and I presented at The Florida Bash. We had such a great time reconnecting with our friends and family. Meeting new people.. who brought us in their lives and shared their stories with us.

I look forward to the summer. We have some travel plans going on, some family things.. some quite things.. some lifestyle things.

I have two major ideas to focus on this summer.. that I am really excited about.

1. Getting back into blogging and writing.. I love it.. feeling the words flow, coming up with thoughts and ideas. Reading your writings.. and finding inspirations in the daily grind of life.

2. Weight loss. Looking at the calendar, our wedding is going to come so fast..as I have some health goals to meet. I know I can do it..and I look forward to sharing the ups and down with that.

I find myself searching for that quiet peace. Of sitting in Daddy’s arms.. breathing him in.. closing my eyes and just being still.

It’s a wonderful thing and a balance that I look forward to finding more often.

<3 to you all

Sexual “S”….

Daddy and I have been doing quite a bit of talking as of late on the whole Sexual “S” dynamic. The “S” standing for either Slave or Submissive.. depending on which one of us you ask.

I know for me, it tends to bring out my gut wrenching, yet slightly intrigued interest. It’s a whole new level of submission to consider. Having that one power, that one big card that we as females tend to hold on to.. offered up to the one I love.

For me, it’s not fully about trust. Because I do trust him. While we’ve only been together for a little over two years, I know from past experiences he’s always been true to his word and has never done anything to put me or us in harms way.. emotional or physical.

I know part of it is insecurities. Trying to over come years on indoctrination of what is considered moral and right by “main stream” society. It’s trying to over come physical issues I have with myself.. I need to loose some weight, work out more, tone up. ect..ect..ect..

Part of it is knowing that he desires more submission from me.. more control over our life.. my life.. my sex.

I have an internal battle going on. Part of me relishes in the thought of being fully his.. of him owning me, of all that I am.. have and do… be his.

Part of me likes to retain some control over where we are going.. and how we are getting there.

A dilemma of the heart and mind. An enigma I am not sure how you begin to solve.

So, last night I brought up the subject again. It’s been on my mind quite a bit and I had hoped to have another talk about it.

I shared with him where I was, what I felt and what scared me. We talked about pushing my limits a little more, opening myself up and learning more about me and us.

As we talked I was playing with my training collar.. and it hit me. In November he is going to collar me. What really does this mean to him?To me? To us?  We have talked about it  before, but I guess it hit me for the first time that not only is it going to happen, but there will be expectations when it does.

I asked him if I could start training to be his Sexual “S”.. of walking that road slowly, of learning and growing together.. of finding myself stepping out of my comfort zone.. but knowing that the was there to pull me back when he knew I needed it.

He smiled, pulled me in close to him.. his arms wrapping around me. I took a breath, smelling his cologne and relaxing into his embrace..

He kissed my neck, his fingers lightly playing over the top of my tank top, tracing my nipples that quickly responded to his touch.

“Do you trust me?” He whispered in my ear.. giving me soft kisses as he breathed the worlds.

I sighed.. giggled and pushed into him more, nodding my head that I did.

His hands moved a bit more forceful know, caressing my stomach … moving downwards..

He breathed again…“Do you trust me?”

Sighing, I moved my legs apart and quietly breathed.. yes.

His hold on me became tighter, as he moved my panties out of the way… talking and playing at the same time..

“I want to own you. All of you. I want you to be fully mine. I want to know that whatever I ask, you will do because you trust me.. you know that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.. hurt my property..  hurt what is mine. I want you to experience the pleasures of this earth, knowing that I am here for you.. enjoying watching you explore.. knowing that you are doing it for me.. because of me.. because it is my will for you.”

His fingers moved faster as I felt myself building.. I knew in that moment that I would do anything for this man. That my love for him was so strong and so real that I wanted… needed to keep walking forward, to keep giving myself to him…to one day fully be his in all ways.

My body shuttered as I came..and he held me for a moment in his arms. Then flipping me on my back, he leaned over me… slowly slid my panties down.  A quick smile appeared on his face, and he took my hands and pressed them together. He then wrapped my panties around my wrist, binding them together.. and put my bound hands over my head…

He entered me.. quick, fast, hard movements…My body still shaking from the first wave, didn’t have time to rest as I quickly started building again. Our eyes were locked on each other… his smile.. I knew what he wanted from me.. Perhaps I have always known.

As we finished together, he collapsed next to me, pulling me close and covering me with my blanket. I laid next to him, breathing hard.. my eyes closed.. his warm body covering me. Slowly he reached over, untied my hands and kissed me passionately.

A short while later, he is tucking me in. Kissing my forehead, saying he loves me.. that he is proud of me.

A happy sigh comes out as I drift off to sleep. I know we are still talking.. I know I am still scared. But, I also know that this man loves me like no other and I would do almost anything for him.

 

 

The Drop – Day 3.. getting better!

So, day 3 of this drop..and I think I am feeling a little better. Not fully back to being me, but definitely on my way…

It’s really helped to have some amazing friends who have reached out.. shared that they have gone through this and made themselves available if I needed to talk. It’s funny… just knowing that they are there for me is amazing, even If I don’t talk to them. It’s nice to know you aren’t alone, *insert happy sighs*

I think it also helps that it is Friday… AND..not only is it Friday.. but it is a Friday of a quiet weekend. Nothing really huge planned. Mostly fun things, no work.. no “lifestyle” stuff, other than what we want to do for fun…for us. I’m getting a weekend off and that is simply amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE our life and being apart of an amazing community. I love all the new people we are meeting and talking too.. I love the opportunity we have for growth and learning..

but…

Sometimes you just need a break from the roller coaster, but it doesn’t mean you want to leave the park!

The other thing that is helping me, is my amazing and wonderful Daddy. 

He has been strong, loving, compassionate, extra snugly and just awesome. He’s made me laugh, taken me out for a nice dinner.. got me ice cream ..and just been simply amazing.  He’s let me talk, vent, be moody and just be quiet. He’s amazing and I am one lucky girl.

So, while this week hasn’t been the best… It is getting better. In a way I’m glad I have gone through this drop. Because, I will better understand when someone else goes through it, I will be able to relate and have things to share.. and most importantly be there for them.

Thank you to all who have been there for me.

<3

 

The Drop – Day 2

So, this is a new feeling for me. I’ve had sub drop once.. I think.. but, not too bad.

I am tired, and feeling like I could sleep for a year. I’m not normally one to get depressed easily or anything like tht.. bt, I’d liken this to depression.

Daddy and I went out for a quiet dinner on the beach last night. The wind was blowing, it was cool and so nice. There was a guy playing music and it was actually pretty good. We sat, and talked. He was asking me questions and said that he thinks that this is a drop for me. He said that after so many days (over a week really) of highs from Beyond Leather and all that excitement once we got home, that this happens as your body gets overloaded a bit..It can’t keep that high for long.. and so you drop.  He went through it too.. and was telling me ways to get past it.

Keep busy, lots of love and huggies and kisses.. talking…

I”ve heard people talk about ‘sub drop’ before and how hard it can be. I can’t imagine having this all the time.

So, thanks to my friends who have been here .. even if you didn’t know what was going on!  It means a lot.

We have a slow lifestyle weekend, and I am happy about that. Looking forward to some family time, some “us” time and some family lifestyle time.. not to work, but just to have fun.

<3

Surrender vs Trust…

Daddy and I got into a.. well.. shall we say “heated” conversation on the way to a presentation yesterday. We were talking about surrendering to another person, and the levels involved.

He asked me if I would do anything he asked.  I wasn’t sure how to respond.

First, I love him so deeply..and I want to give him every part of me.

But….

giving someone that full control..that complete access to you.. your body..your mind.. your heart.

Well, that’s just freakin scary.

I responded to him that it would depend on what he asked.. what he wanted.

That response wasn’t enough for him.

He asked if I trusted him.

“Of course I do!” i said back..shocked and a bit hurt that he would even ask that question.

To him, If I fully trusted in him and believed he would never do anything to hurt me, than I could give up control and fully surrender him.  He went on to say that he would push me out of my comfort zone, but in that pushing it wouldn’t do anything to damage me or my trust in him.

I sat for a while and though about these words..

I know in my soul that he does have my best interest at heart. That he loves me fully and would never do anything to hurt or damage me…

But.. it’s so scary.

How do you let go, realizing that yes.. there will be pushing, be stretching your comfort areas.. that growth can be a wonderful painful thing…

How do you sync your heart..your mind.. your needs..and your wants..

How do I let go and take the path that I desire and I fear at the same time?