Daddy and I have been doing quite a bit of talking as of late on the whole Sexual “S” dynamic. The “S” standing for either Slave or Submissive.. depending on which one of us you ask.
I know for me, it tends to bring out my gut wrenching, yet slightly intrigued interest. It’s a whole new level of submission to consider. Having that one power, that one big card that we as females tend to hold on to.. offered up to the one I love.
For me, it’s not fully about trust. Because I do trust him. While we’ve only been together for a little over two years, I know from past experiences he’s always been true to his word and has never done anything to put me or us in harms way.. emotional or physical.
I know part of it is insecurities. Trying to over come years on indoctrination of what is considered moral and right by “main stream” society. It’s trying to over come physical issues I have with myself.. I need to loose some weight, work out more, tone up. ect..ect..ect..
Part of it is knowing that he desires more submission from me.. more control over our life.. my life.. my sex.
I have an internal battle going on. Part of me relishes in the thought of being fully his.. of him owning me, of all that I am.. have and do… be his.
Part of me likes to retain some control over where we are going.. and how we are getting there.
A dilemma of the heart and mind. An enigma I am not sure how you begin to solve.
So, last night I brought up the subject again. It’s been on my mind quite a bit and I had hoped to have another talk about it.
I shared with him where I was, what I felt and what scared me. We talked about pushing my limits a little more, opening myself up and learning more about me and us.
As we talked I was playing with my training collar.. and it hit me. In November he is going to collar me. What really does this mean to him?To me? To us? We have talked about it before, but I guess it hit me for the first time that not only is it going to happen, but there will be expectations when it does.
I asked him if I could start training to be his Sexual “S”.. of walking that road slowly, of learning and growing together.. of finding myself stepping out of my comfort zone.. but knowing that the was there to pull me back when he knew I needed it.
He smiled, pulled me in close to him.. his arms wrapping around me. I took a breath, smelling his cologne and relaxing into his embrace..
He kissed my neck, his fingers lightly playing over the top of my tank top, tracing my nipples that quickly responded to his touch.
“Do you trust me?” He whispered in my ear.. giving me soft kisses as he breathed the worlds.
I sighed.. giggled and pushed into him more, nodding my head that I did.
His hands moved a bit more forceful know, caressing my stomach … moving downwards..
He breathed again…“Do you trust me?”
Sighing, I moved my legs apart and quietly breathed.. yes.
His hold on me became tighter, as he moved my panties out of the way… talking and playing at the same time..
“I want to own you. All of you. I want you to be fully mine. I want to know that whatever I ask, you will do because you trust me.. you know that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.. hurt my property.. hurt what is mine. I want you to experience the pleasures of this earth, knowing that I am here for you.. enjoying watching you explore.. knowing that you are doing it for me.. because of me.. because it is my will for you.”
His fingers moved faster as I felt myself building.. I knew in that moment that I would do anything for this man. That my love for him was so strong and so real that I wanted… needed to keep walking forward, to keep giving myself to him…to one day fully be his in all ways.
My body shuttered as I came..and he held me for a moment in his arms. Then flipping me on my back, he leaned over me… slowly slid my panties down. A quick smile appeared on his face, and he took my hands and pressed them together. He then wrapped my panties around my wrist, binding them together.. and put my bound hands over my head…
He entered me.. quick, fast, hard movements…My body still shaking from the first wave, didn’t have time to rest as I quickly started building again. Our eyes were locked on each other… his smile.. I knew what he wanted from me.. Perhaps I have always known.
As we finished together, he collapsed next to me, pulling me close and covering me with my blanket. I laid next to him, breathing hard.. my eyes closed.. his warm body covering me. Slowly he reached over, untied my hands and kissed me passionately.
A short while later, he is tucking me in. Kissing my forehead, saying he loves me.. that he is proud of me.
A happy sigh comes out as I drift off to sleep. I know we are still talking.. I know I am still scared. But, I also know that this man loves me like no other and I would do almost anything for him.