Contradictions

Thinking of my life.. where I came from and where I hope to be going..

Looking back I was always very confident in myself, but sometimes really feared what others may have thought. Quite the contradiction at times.. but It never really stopped me from doing what I wanted. (With the exception of sexual matters.. Us good Catholic girls never thought like that…)
Married young, had kids pretty quick… kinda led me to grow up a bit faster than I think I would of liked to. Outside I was a very confidant mom who loved her family and life.. inside a girl who just wanted a one night stand and to hit a rave club.

I think my life was built on contradictions.

Fast forward… Here I am… finding myself, what I want and what I don’t. I’ve always been bi – curious, but haven’t acted on it for fear of.. life, hell, family.. rules.. insert some forced dogma here

I’m trying to find me again.. my flirty fun side.. making people feel welcomed and cared about… finding the sexual me.. all of the above.

Honestly if it weren’t for Michale, I don’t know if I would of ever thought about making these steps out.. but now I am and it’s hard to keep it suppressed.. though I still have fears of letting it out.

Contradictions.

I see the amazing energy of people.. and it makes me smile to be around them and share in their happiness.. How they feel so confident in themselves, sharing their lives, hopes and dreams.. taking a risk and putting it out there.. I envy them and strive to be as comfortable in my own skin,

Of taking a risk and letting people in.. putting past baggage and failure behind and not expecting results because that’s what happened before. Of possibilities and exploration, making each moment count..and realizing that’s what matters in the end.

Trusting.. loving and just enjoying life.

Uggh..Sorry I wrote a book… but, it felt nice to finally say…

LOL.. contradictions..

Our Low Carb Way Journey… Week 2

So, we have started eating low carb. We are trying to keep our daily carb count between 40 – 50g. (Yes, this is Dr. ordered…) We just found out that Daddy is pre diabetic, and to ensure his health, as well as mine, we have decided to make this something we do together. It’s pretty simple.. Loose the weight, get healthy and the risk of diabetes goes away…

We are finding it easier than we thought. Places like Jimmy Johns and Red Robin offer low carb options for eating out. I am also finding a lot of restaurants will make substitutions for a low carb way of eating.

A friend suggested a few cook books, and I picked up Dana Carpender’s 200 Low Carb Slow Cooker Recipes and 1001 Low Carb Recipes. I also found a great web site called Your Lighter Side Which has tons of low carb as well as just plain healthy options.
Reaching out to friends who are doing the low carb way of eating has been a great resource as well.

It has taken a bit more pre planning on my part to eat… As well as planning meals around trips, making sure that we have snacks with us for those times we get hungry, as well as just learning it’s ok to speak up and ask for changes to how something is made or served. It finally hit me that, it’s your health.. no one will do it for you.. Making smarter choices while we are out, (as we had to do last weekend at The Magic Kingdom) and realizing that what goes into your body is truly important to a healthy and happy life.

We have moved to eating 6 times a day.. every 2 – 3 hours. It has seemed to help with the energy level as well as never really feeling hungry. Chicken and fish have become my best friends, and thankfully the above resources are giving us lots of options to prepare them!

It also has opened a new world of cooking ingredients. Some sound like they are words from an alien language.. (Guar or xznthan anyone?!?!) , as well as taking time to read the labels and try to understand the meaning behind them.

This truly is becoming a life change for us, and not just a diet. Don’t get me wrong, I still crave my mashed potatoes.. want a huge breaded sandwich or to enjoy a loaf of bread while eating a bowl of stew.. but, for now.. those items have to be on the shelf. Someday when I get a handle on the carb addiction, maybe I can indulge a bit, knowing I have control over it.

So here we are in week 2. Daddy has lost 7 lbs and I have lost 4 lbs. We are starting back up at the gym next week, so that is one more healthy choice to add to our life style change. I am getting headaches, but from what I’ve heard and read that is pretty typical for this stage of low carb eating. Cravings have come and gone.. and I am stating to feel a bit of more energy in my day. All good signs to me that this is doing what it is meant to do.

We are both excited about doing this together, about getting healthy and more active, and are thankful for the friends and family that are helping us on our journey!

Has anyone else made this journey? I’d love to hear your thoughts and how it worked for you…

Setting a *insert a choice word here* Schedule..

I actually wanted to have a different name for this Blog, but was unsure if it would see the light of day if I wrote it.. So, I aired on the side of caution!

“Setting a Fuck schedule” is what I wanted to call it.

This topic was introduced to a friend of ours. We were talking about how our life gets so busy that we forget to take time for us.. for our relationship.. to meet our individual and couple needs.

It was suggested that we set a play and fuck schedule to help get us get back on the “us” track. By setting the schedule we are forced to carve out time for us in those measly 24 hours we only get a day. To say, “World.. you will survive if we go off the grid for an hour or so..”

At first I didn’t think I’d like it, as I thought it would loose the “Hollywood Romance” that a spontaneous session should be.. But, our life is hardly Hollywood, and neither one of us have a press secretary to keep our schedule neat and organized…

So, we jumped on the bandwagon and decided to give it a try!

That thought got me thinking.. Maybe we should ALL create a fuck schedule.

To remind us to blow off those that make our life miserable.. Fuck them and their gossip.

To remind us that it’s OK to enjoy our life, and where we are and where we are going…. Fuck those that don’t approve of our choices.

To remind us that if we don’t put ourselves first, then who will?  That being selfish is not a bad thing, and that taking care of our needs will actually allow us to be there for others more often and in a better head space…Fuck those who think their life is more important than our own.

That finding releases is a real need as well as a healthy thing!  Orgasms not only help in weight loss and boost our immune system, but they let stress out..help with pain management and releases endorphins that give us that emotional boost we all love. I personally think doctors should tell more people to go home and have more sex…. Fuck those that think our right to pleasure is a bad or sinful thing.

That it can be a really hot thing to wake up on a Tuesday and think.. “Oh, I’m going to get laid tonight..” or “I’m going to get spanked and played with so hard that I’ll float away in sub space, pass out and forget all about those dishes that didn’t get done..” Then spend all day thinking about it.. letting it drive you to a frenzy so that all you can think about is 9pm when the fun begins…   Fuck those that can’t appreciate the build up of sexual tension.

This is your life. Take back the control that we give out every day. Take back the happiness that we let others suck from us. Take back the joy from the everyday moments that make each and every one of us unique and awesome. Life is to damn short to not allow ourselves to find beauty in each and every moment of our day.

Fuck schedules can be a wonderful thing.. In and out of the bedroom.

Lessons learned this week

What a week it has been.. Lot’s of emotional ups and downs.. but, coming out of the end of it, I’ve learned some things that I think are worth sharing…

* Communication isn’t nearly as important if it’s not effective.

* When in doubt.. ask. Even if it’s hard.. or your feelings are hurt.. ask. The other person might be on a totally different page as you are. They may be on the same page.. but you’ll never truly know if you don’t ask.

* There is nothing as important as knowing you are loved. Even when people fight, holding onto that can get you through anything.

* Taking the scary steps to be open can be the best thing for you. By sharing your feelings, your fears, your thoughts can help you process them.. find the root cause.. which is the first step to moving on. Letting those that deserve it into your head space can be a wonderful tool in this.. and that my friends can be a very good thing.

* The word Penis can make anyone smile.

* Never forget to make those you love the priority. It’s the little things that make all the difference and we all get so caught up in the day to day life craziness, that we tend to forget to make those we love the priority.

* Be honest. Be yourself. Be open and Be willing to listen to others.

* Smile. Enjoy the day. If things aren’t making you happy, make steps to change the situation. Hold on to what does make you happy and find a balance that brings joy and love to your life.

* Sex is a good stress reliever.

* Sceneing is an amazing release.

* Sex and Sceneing.. priceless.

* That with all the craziness of life.. and the ups and down of making our way though this insane world, I am surrounded by people who love me, I am happy, healthy and so very lucky with where I am at.. I am in love with the most amazing man in the world, and that I have incredible friends who make the ride amazing.

And finally…..

* All good girls should have a castle. 

Those old High School Halls..

It seems to me that sometimes life doesn’t vary that much from high school days.

You have people that seem to fall into different groups, and though some move between groups, they each of their own to call ‘home.’

It has it’s own drama.. “he said/she said”.. boyfriend/girlfriend troubles…and just the simple misconception that people are not always what they seem to be.

There are those that excel, do their home work and stand out because of it. There are those that seem to cheat, ride coattails, lie and cause drama and stand out because of that…

There are those that hear gossip and simply ignore it. Then there are others that enjoy the drama and continue it on like a bad game of telephone.  Granted, there are those select few that actually ask the people involved about it..and try to find out the truth if it may impact them.. but sadly they seem to be as rare as those that run for student council.

I look out at the sea of faces that I run into and wonder where do they fall. Sometimes I think that they are part of the “good crowd” and find out to late that they are simply one of the back stabbers that seem to prey on those that like to trust.

I wonder where I fall myself.. do I hold true to the beliefs that I say I do? Do I walk the halls with a smile and a friendly face.. or do I let myself get caught up in the drama of the school yard?

But then I have to stop. I really look at those that cause trouble, that lie, that send messages to talk bad about others and spread drama. I realize that they simply are lurkers in the dark..and have no back bone to actually say things in the light of day. Then I laugh.. because while they may seem larger than life, they are actually few in numbers and in reality most people have already figured them out.

I stop and look at myself and realize that while I am far from perfect, I try my best to be the person that I want in my own life.. to talk, share and rise above the muck that can pull you down to it’s own level.

Then I take a real long look..and I see so many wonderful people. While yes, we may spend time apart..and enjoy our different homes and families.. in the end, we all go to the Friday football game.. we all cheer together, hug when we are happy.. hold hands when we are sad.. Say hi in the hallways.. share our  notes during class when we are confused.. and stay out of the trouble makers way together; enjoying the bright and sunny outside gathering place, rather than the dark drama filled corners.

So, while life may be like high school.. I think  I’ve finally realized that most of my fellow students feel the same as I do and that … I think.. is a very good thing.

Back on track…

So, I started this blog last year when I was inspired to do so by a dear writer friend who got me back into the process.

I really loved it.. but as life gets crazy.. things fall to the side.

This blogging was one of them.

So, here we are at 2013.. and one of my promises is to get back into my blogging and start focusing on my writing once again.

So..thank you to those that are still here.. I look forward to reading more of your writings and having you read mine!

<3

amaia

A hidden life…..

I was looking through a magazine today and the title: “Sally Rides Lesbian Life” caught my eye..

I went to the article and got really sad as I started to read.

Apparently for 27 years she had a partner who she lived with, share her life with and was in love with.
Sadly, she feared what exposure would mean.. so she would say that this person was just a “god friend”.

Sally Rides sister shared that she choose to maintain silence surrounding her sexual orientation, even though it was an “open secret” among family and close friends.
She went on to say that Sally choose to focus on the battle for science education for all children and not on the position of gay rights.
Her lifestyle was her personal choice and she wanted to keep it personal.

It made me sad to think this amazing women who accomplished so much in her life. was such an inspiration to so many young girls and people in general.. Felt that she had to live in hiding with the person she loved.
To think of the impact she could of made if she went public to the LGBT youth as they pursued finding themselves and there careers.

The decision to keep this part of her life from the public was hers to make, and one that I wouldn’t take away from her if I could. But, part of me wonders if it was done out of fear.. and that thought makes me sad.

(Article found in News Talk in the tbt magazine. written by J. Bryan Lowder. http://www.tampabay.com)

Friday Night – a new scene for me

I’ve been wanting to put this in my blog for a few days, but haven’t found quite the words or the way to do it. Every time I think about it, it’s all over the place.. but.. i’m going to try…

I’ve had scenes before.. they’ve been fun, intense, a little of both.. I’ve laughed.. cried.. gotten mad and couldn’t get into head space. So, I really thought that I had walked the road of play and pretty much experienced all the new stuff I could.. (yeah.. sounds stupid I know!)

One of the issues I always seem on having is letting go. To be able to stop worrying about who or what is around me.. how I look, what is happening now.. what’s coming next.. ect… I get so caught up in my own mind that I often miss out on what I’ve heard other people say that they experience. The part of play that lets them let go, be free.. take the ride.

So, Friday night a few of us get together for some family fun time. Daddy said that we were going to play and a dear friend asks if she could co top me. We’ve scened before and it went great, so of course Daddy said yes.

He decided to put me on the suspension bar, so that they could have full body access to me. That made me giggle a bit.. but, i’m working on showing my trust with him, so I just smiled and head over to the bar.

Daddy had me take off all my clothes, and then instructed me to take off my bra. My breath caught as I slowly start to unhook it. Another area of self insecurity I have.. but, I smile and trust.

He hooked me to the bar.. and I am so aware of the other people around me. Dear friends playing on equipment close to us.. others in different parts of the club.. the music which is being switched over to something with a stronger beat.. Daddy and our friend getting their toys ready.. talking softly…

My mind is racing..

Daddy approached me with a blind fold and smiled as he covered my eyes.

Relax

I start to listen to the music, slowly moving my legs to the beat.. when I start feeling soft things on my back. I smile.. loving how he starts our scenes.. enjoying the feeling of the fur on my skin.

After a few minutes, I start to feel soft on my front..

“Daddy is behind me.. Auntie is in front…” I think to myself

I frown a bit.. and try not stop analyzing what is going on..

After a few minutes, I feel something hard hitting my butt.. I giggle a bit as the change shocks me.. shake my butt a few times in fun .. and quickly start to move with the beat.. This is going great until the softness on my stomach starts again.. the harder swats on my but.

My brain is starting to get confused.. Hard.. ouch..soft..

Quickly I start to “loose” who is where.. and the mixed sensations occurring make it impossible to regain “mental” control..At first I get a bit scared, as I feel that I am really loosing control of being mentally aware of what was going on.. But, Daddy must sense this.. as he whispers in my ear.. and I relax.

Then something amazing happened.

I let go.

The room went away.. and it was just me like a boat on the water.. waves pushing me here and there, I’m just sitting, smiling and not caring where the boat goes.. because I know I’m safe.. and I know that it’s ok to let go.

I wasn’t worried about how I looked, who was watching, what everyone was doing.. I trusted them.. and I stopped thinking and starting feeling. Sensations came in droves, and I just let them. I didnt analyze why I was feeling them.. or who caused them.. or why I should be feeling this way or that way.. I just felt.

I moved with the impacts of the toys and hands, but not in a pre calculated way.. but in a natural way that my body did on its own.. instinctive.. primitive..

It was an amazing experience..

Somewhere along the way another friend joined the scene.. but, by this point I was so spaced I didnt even really acknowledge it..

Afterwards as Daddy and I cuddled on the couch.. I had to giggle. I felt so amazing.. my mind was very floating. but my body and soul felt “refreshed”.. alive. Daddy kissed my forehead and said I was amazing.. I smiled and cuddled close.. so happy.

Going home that night I passed out.. and slept better than I had in weeks.

The next day I gave a lot of thought to what happened. How for once, It felt so amazing to be so safe and trusting with the people around me that I could let go, let go of whatever control I had wanted to hold onto and just be in the moment..

I can’t wait for the next time….

Four Months until the BIG DAY!!

It’s hard to believe, but after 2+ years we are down to waiting just a few months until our wedding/collaring!

I am so excited, so please forgive me know if I drive you all mad posting about it!!

This is not either of our’s first wedding, so we decided to do something that we want to do for it!

So, our plan is to have a lifestyle wedding/collaring ceremony in Nov. We are telling our family we are eloping and we kinda are I guess…

A dear friend of mine who plans weddings and events has offered up her services to us for our wedding.. and I am so thankful to her for that!

So, we are planning the ceremony and reception with an after play party.. I am so excited!

In December we will have a vow renewal and ‘vanilla’ reception for our family and friends..

It’s been such an amazing 2 years and I can’t wait until the big day!!!!

We have the when and where.. so now  its time to work on the details!  So stay tuned!!!

 

<3

Happy Birthday to me!!

So, yes… it’s my birthday!

I woke up feeling a bit sad for myself. I am out of state taking my daughter to camp. I woke up in a hotel room without my Love.. or my friends around. I thought today would be a yucky day…

But, thanks so social media.. I received so much love and b’day wishes!

Between Face Book, Fet Life, emails and texting..I woke up to a cascade of love.

True, maybe it’s not the exact same as being face to face.. but, It gave me such a warm feeling and huge smile to know that my dear friends and family remembered me!!

Social Media might have good and bad parts.. but for me today, it’s all good!

<3